Are You Just Married?
A noted psychologist, Harold J. Leavitt, has defined behavior as a set of stimuli and responses. It is imperative according to this definition, that the result of response would be commensurate with and match the stimulus given.
The relations between two people irrespective of gender, is more straightforward and clear with two ego states coming into the picture. In other cases, where more than two people are interacting with one another, the relationship becomes extremely complex and risky as the number of ego states involved are more.
Another noted psychologist, Dr Eric Berne, is quoted in a famous book, Games People Play, (author: Thomas A. Harris) as having opined that each human being has three ego states – the child ego state, the adult ego state and the parent ego state.
Conjugal relationship: This is a unique relationship which opens the door to enjoyment and friendship on a lasting basis. Dr Morrissey says that just after marriage everything may appear to be normal and easy.
But after a while, it can be boring to perform sexual rituals without proper understanding and psychological back-up. You should not perform the sexual act as a quickie. The frequency of sex can be mutually decided.
In his book, Urge – hot secrets for great sex, the author, Dr Gabrielle Morrissey, says that it is natural for passion to change over the course of a relationship. When we are in love, our bodies are flooded with the “love chemical”. When you come together with your spouse the first time, the act is filled with lots of loving, hugging, lingering kisses, sex-talk and touching the body all over while trying to explore the body.
Like beauty spots, there are sex spots too. Find the sensual parts of your partner’s body. Discover your own original tricks of sex play. As time goes on, you get much more experienced in the game and you enjoy your physical association. It is a win-win situation for the husband and wife.
Your myths and mindset: Since birth, you develop certain myths and then stick to them. You should always be ready to modify and change your mindset, attitude and thinking. Otherwise, these myths can become a hurdle to your adjustment in conjugal life. You develop a particular kind of psychological fear. For example, a person who has been an introvert and has not mixed much with the opposite sex, will feel shy while performing courtship and intercourse. This may prompt the partner to label him or her as impotent or frigid. This usually proves to be false.
George Bernard Shaw was not handsome enough to invite the attention of women. But, because of his intelligence and deep understanding of women, he was a VIP in any social gathering. Women craved to get close to him even to the extent of having a physical relationship with him.
According to him, “A woman is composed of emotions and is a bundle of feelings. You have to uncover her layer by layer. If you open a single layer wrongly, the whole bundle gets upset and you just can’t win her over.” The way to a woman’s body is through her heart. Getting the body of a woman involves getting the complete woman in her.
This is possible only when you understand her mindset, emotions and feelings. She will never submit to physical assault as a duty. After all, her total personality is at stake.
Dr Arjun Niyogi, a noted psychologist, says, “The first step to win over a woman is to give her due respect. A woman never likes a man who does not know how to regard her as a human being.” According to Dr Prabhat Joshi, another famous psychologist, the following are a few points worth consideration, in this regard:
· Spouses should be well dressed, smart and appealing.
· Spouses should be unique, having noticeable qualities and features. Some of these qualities may be courage, appearance, quick wit and humor.
· Spouses should confide in each other only to the extent they feel is safe and necessary. Irrelevant talk relating to past life or affairs must be avoided.
· To keep the relationship natural and satisfying, one should avoid bragging or showing false pride. This hurts the feelings of the life partner, though he or she may not be able to express it if reserved by nature.
· Never try to economize expenses on entertainment. It helps in laying the foundation for a happy married life.
· Do not develop the habit of sharing the secrets regarding whatever happens between both of you with others. It will complicate your personal life.
A British expert on sex, Dr Hexley Gray, opines that without an emotional attachment, sexual relations become a compulsion and formality for the couple. With the proper emotions, the relationship becomes a celebration and collaboration, much more than just the meeting of two bodies at the physical level. You really enjoy each moment of fun and courtship. You enjoy the touch of skin. The warmth of the bedroom should be most comforting.
An orgasm is the ultimate aim of having sex. Both the husband and wife should value openness and build trust in the relationship, and feel that it is safe to speak about their private feelings. Can a woman reveal secrets without the fear of being judged?
In his famous book, Games People Play, Thomas A. Harris explains that we engage in time-structuring in the form of pastimes, rituals, gossip, activity and withdrawal (loneliness). How we pass time determines what we become.
Resolve your issues peacefully. Dr Jitendra Prasad, a noted psychotherapist always tells his clients to resolve their issues and problems by amicably settling them through healthy and mutual discussions without involving a third person or party. More than 80 per cent of issues are of a personal and private nature and are not worth revealing to others.
When you are trying closer to each other, you have to give space and time to see that the relationship grows gradually and naturally and that the other person is comfortable with you.
If you do not give each other space and time, a destructive process starts, wherein you go ahead with your biased mindset.
You start committing mistakes time and again, till relations are totally spoiled and contaminated beyond your control. No patch up or mending is possible at this stage and the seed for divorce has already been sown.